Boys will be boys

It's time for some gay men to wake the fuck up.

Today’s essay is by Toni Broaddus, a feminist dyke & crone, a retired LGBTQ+ activist, and a member of Generation Jones. She is now watching the imminent collapse of US American patriarchal capitalism and so-called exceptionalism from a small Central American country with its own problems stemming from colonialism.

I love my gay & queer brothers, but some of you need to wake the fuck up. This idea that groping is a forgivable offense, especially by your heroes, is plainly bullshit. Some of you clearly have not done your homework.

Groping is a predatory act. Groping says, “I don’t respect you. I don’t need your permission to touch your body. I have power over you.”

This is not generational. This was never acceptable, and it still isn’t. Get your fucking hands off me! is the only appropriate response.

And yet, some of you accept the groping because, hey, this guy is a United States congressman, or my boss, or a rich guy I want to get closer to. You accept it because you want to belong to the ruling male class. If you are one of the boys, you can maintain your own weak grasp on male privilege by supporting those who flaunt it. You would rather fuck someone else than get fucked (and I’m not talking about your sexual preferences).

You are right where the patriarchal ruling class wants you to be: so desperate for your own power over others that you will overlook repeated assaults against anyone perceived as weak. In a world divided into predators and prey, you think being a predator is something to aspire to.

But here’s your problem… You are gay. Under the dystopian structure of male dominance, where we all find ourselves living, gay equals feminine. Gay equals weak – just like a woman. A handful of gay men may gain enough power or money to be (conditionally) accepted into the brotherhood (think Peter Thiel, and yes, Barney Frank). But these are exceptions designed to give you false hope. As a general rule, weak men are just another flavor of prey.

Patriarchy is no friend to women or queer men.

No matter how much you can butch yourself up, you are not going to better yourself by throwing the rest of us under the bus. You only become another useful idiot, maintaining a power structure that will never fully accept you.

Women, children, and gay men have always been at the mercy of a world full of aspiring alpha males. Why do you think so many women feel safe with gay men? You don’t commit violence against our bodies as a matter of personal entitlement.

In the age of the Epstein files, it is incomprehensible to me that some of you still have not made the connection between sexual assault and global oppression.

So let me spell it out for you: groping is sexual assault. Male dominance is its function.

Acceptance of groping is submission. When you argue that groping is not a big deal, you reinforce the idea that powerful men deserve to dominate you. You submit to that dominance. You accept your status as prey. You might get a prettier cage, but it is still a cage.

As gay men, you straddle that line between male power and female weakness in a unique way. I know it’s tempting to lean toward perceived power and distance yourself from the rest of us who are seen as the undeserving weak links. But it doesn’t work. You will not be elevated. You will never be safe from the violence that is baked into the system.

And this is why I need you to pay attention. At your best, gay men give women hope that men do have the capacity to reject a society built on male dominance. You give us hope that men might someday recognize the need to build a new society based on respect that sees the value in all humans.

Because women are out here trying to change this fucked up system. We are trying to claim our own power. Gay men should be our strongest allies. You should not be out there telling us groping is not such a big deal. You should not be celebrating men who get away with it just because they also threw you some tasty power crumbs.

You may like those rainbow sprinkles they use to sweeten up the shit they're feeding you, but it’s still shit - and it will always make you sick.

There is an alternative.

You can claim your own power and recognize mine. You can reject a world that defines you – like it defines women – as weak and worthless. You can lift up a vision of humanity where every single person has limitless value and potential, a vision where justice is real and we each control our own bodies and our own destinies.

In other words, you can be part of the solution instead of the problem.

Do better, my gay brothers. And if you don’t want to do better, get your fucking hands off me.

RELATED: “Queer” is not a slur. Sit down.